Welcome to the World Wide Weird

You there! Yes you with the too much money and too little sense. Have I got a deal for you.

I sense you are grieving over a lost loved one. A furry lost loved one. Sometime past you lost a dear pet and are wondering what you should do. Well then go directly to Pets You Love, do not pass go and do not stop to pick up the doggy doo-doo on the way.

For a small fee (well smaller just than the Gross Domestic Product of Belgium) you can have a framed portrait of your beloved pooch in heaven, watched over by none other than J.C. himself.

Now you might have thought Jesus was a tad busy in these days of war, suicide bombing, famine, and of course the Hurricane magnet that is Florida. Well aren’t you surprised to find that Jesus is instead busy watching over Fido, or Lassie, or Cujo

Our friends at Pets You Love tell us “Pets are one of God’s most wonderful gifts and surely they hold a special place in His plan for us.” That may be all well and good but if heaven means an eternity of noisy, yapping little mongrels then it is going to require a serious rethink on my part.

Now what do you get for your cash you are asking? Well, after sending a suitable photograph to the caring people at Pets You Love, a skilled digital artist will scan your photo, copy your dog’s face, delete any background, and create a floating image. I don’t know what level of skill we are talking about but I’ve mucked about with Paint Shop Pro so I’d have to say somewhere between none and bugger-all.

The final portrait will be “printed with U.V. resistant inks on photo quality, glossy paper to specifications for maximum print life.”

I may be a skeptic, but I’ve always been of the school of thought that once ‘Dog #32′ turns up it’s paws it is time to turn to ‘Dog #33′. That’s the natural order of things. Pooch portraits and U.V. resistant inks is way too much trouble.

And what is the fee for this frame yourself Doggie Pic? Well it is an affordable $142.50 U.S. Interesting definition of the word ‘affordable’ seeing you could buy damn near 101 Dalmations for that price.

Be warned that if Santa brings me this book there will be trouble!

If you’re a movie buff AND a dog lover and you can’t decide how to spend your leisure time, then go directly to Albuquerque, New Mexico. Yes, the place made famous by the countless wrong turns of one Bugs Bunny (he really ought to have bought himself a better map) is running a Dog Film Festival. Don’t believe me? Well then check it out yourself.

This film festival will “feature nothing but canine cinema for dogs and their owners. Pooch snacks will nestle beside the popcorn.”

What movies can you expect to see? “The criteria is that the films have to be about dogs, have dogs in them or once you watch the film, you think of a dog,” said Dogfest founder Kim Snitker.

If that is the criteria they are going on, then I expect that all the Police Academy movies (except possibly the first) to feature prominently, because they were dogs!

The good thing about the great number of ‘weirdo’ news stories in the world is that no matter what deep-seated physiological problems you might have, you still feel pretty normal.

Try these on for size:-

1 - You have the Maryland couple who have raised a Cabbage Patch doll, christened Kevin, as their own son.

2 – The Chinese Star-Trek fan who underwent plastic surgery to give himself Mr Spock ears.

3 - A U.K. businesswoman has been told she cannot ask for ‘hard working staff’ because it discriminates against the lazy.

4 – A U.S. plastic surgeon performed liposuction on himself.

5 – A Japanese man set his parents’ house on fire as he tried to get rid of a mosquito.

and to round off this half-dozen:-

6 - A Romanian man had his testicles ripped off by his wife because she believed he was having an affair.

Then move to Iran.

Today’s story has made all the I.T. news sources, explains how nobody in Iran cares if their software is illegal. In fact they pride themselves on the knowledge that it probably is.

Mohammad Sephery-Rad, Iran’s secretary of the High Informatics Council (in otherwords their I.T. guru) explains, “All the software in Iran is copied. There is no copyright law, so everybody uses Microsoft software freely.”

Howzat for Chutzpah? Is Mr Sephery-Rad scared Microsoft, the B.S.A.A. or anyone else will crack down on their illegal software? Well seeing as they regard the good old U.S of A. the “great satan” I don’t think anyone is shaking in their sandals. You want to download illegal MP3s then Iran is the place baby!

Even though any copy of a Windows OS in Tehran is what Mr Sephery-Rad will agree is a good price, “a cracked Windows XP CD costs the same as a blank CD” Iran is still considering dumping Microsoft for Linux. So not only does Billy Bob Gates get no money at all for all the software in Iran, he knows that soon there won’t be a copy of Microsoft to find because, well it’s crap.

I was having a down day, not knowing where the next World Wide Weird would come from, and then I checked my Hotmail to find I’m $6,000,000 richer. Yep Six Million U.S. Dollars no less. I had no idea myself, but then I’ve won over $30 Million already this month and all of it has come as a surprise.

Read this and weep.

tripplewinsgame tripplewinsgame@london.com>

Sent : Monday, 20 September 2004 11:12:00 AM

Subject : WINNING NOTIFICATION

Dear Recipient,

That would be me



RESULTS FOR CATEGORY “A” DRAWS Congratulations to you as we bring to your notice, the results ofthe Category “A” draws of TRIPPLE WINS INTERNATIONAL GAMES.We are happy to inform you that you have emerged a winner under theFirst Category, which is part of our promotional draws.

Never heard of you, what have I won?

The draws were held prior to your notification.Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from4,000,000 names/email addresses of individuals and companies from Africa, America, Asia,Australia,Canada,Europe,Middle East, and New Zealandas part of our International Promotions Program.

Go me! Whoo Hoo! What are the odds



You/Your Company, attached to ticket number 3322/6181-22 with serial number92-71 drew the lucky numbers 19, 21, 25,30,41,44 (22), and consequently won inthe Category “A”.

My lucky numbers!



You have therefore been awarded a lump sum pay out of $6million(Six million united statedollars) in cash,which is the winning payout for Category “A”winners.

Well I/My Company am just delighted to hear.



This is from the total prize money of $12,000,000,000.00 shared among the 2 international winners in this category.

And one of them is me!



CONGRATULATIONS!

We also wish to bring to your notice our mid year (2004) high stakes where you stand a chance of winning up to $40Million,we hope that with a part of your prize you will participate.

Oh you are too much. Thanks but Six Mil is plenty. Wouldn’t want to get greedy now.



Please contact me as soon as possible for the processing of your prize money. For due processing and remittance of your prize money to a designated account ofyour choice. Remember, you must contact me within the week of your notification. After this date, all funds will be returned as unclaimed.NOTE: For easy reference and identification find below your reference numbers. Note that you are to forward this email to the Mr Edward Clapton for your prize claim processing. REFERENCE NUMBER: REF:TGA-4GA-69889 Congratulations once again from all our staff and thank you for being part of our promotions program.



Sincerely,MR EDWARD CLAPTONFINANCIAL UNIT DIRECTOR/CONTROLLERFIRST SECURITIES AND TRIPPLE WINS INTERNATIONAL GAMES,UNITED KINGDOM BEDFORD HILL,BALLAM SW 12ENGLAND.TEL:+447040110364FAX:+44701268761CONTACT EMAIL ADDRESS:tripplewinsgame@outgun.com

NETHERLANDS HOME OFFICEJAN LUYKENSTRAAT 591071 CS AMSTERDAMTHE NETHERLANDS.TEL/FAX+31-626-322-273

N.B.ANY BREACH OF CONFIDENTIALITY ON THE PART OF THEWINNERS WILL RESULT TO DISQUALIFICATION.PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS MAIL BOX,YOUARE TO CONTACT YOURS CLAIMS AGENT FOR FURTHER PRIZE CLAIM PROCEDURE

Doh! I already spilt the beans. Oh well easy come…

Trying to avoid all the gloom and doom in the world, I was on to my second cuppa when I read the following depressing news:-

Ziggy gets a pay rise



Payrises for the CEO of Telstra don’t really count as news, seeing as how we hear it each and every year. But in this case his $300,000 increase is being described as modest. I kid you not, the word “modest” is there in black and white, and it isn’t being used tongue-in-cheek.

Looking at his base salary of $1.34 million, this increase represents around 30%

How well am I doing then? I don’t need (and am certainly not going to get) anything like a 30% increase to get by. Poor old Ziggy must be thinking its time to start flogging off the family jewels.

Well I just took the gay test and well let’s just say nobody is more surprised than me!

I didn’t even like Muriel’s Wedding