Welcome to the World Wide Weird

Elections used to be simple matters. You’d line up, make your choice, and wait a few hours for the outcome. In the land of Yankee Dandle Doodle however the only thing simple is the candidates.

Lawyers from both camps stand at the ready with their briefcases in hand, and anyone milling around out the front of the U.S. Supreme Court runs the risk of being trampled. We already know there will be a challenge, and a counter challenge to the challenge followed by (surprise) more challenges. The result won’t be known for God knows how long.

You can say what you like about Saddam Hussein, at least he didn’t run an election that resembles a dog’s breakfast.

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The rest of the world is supposed to feel comfort in knowing that the very same officials in charge of the Florida fiasco in 2001 are back in charge tomorrow, that we have the ridiculous situation where manual recounts are outlawed, that audit-trails of electronic voting machines can be hacked by monkeys, 58,000 absentee ballots have gone missing, thousands of registered voters have found that they have been de-registered while just as many provisional ballots have been handed out to people not even on the election rolls.

The whole thing has all the credibility of an “I Love Lucy” episode. The only thing I can think of in Bush’s favour is that even he didn’t resort to tawdry recorded telephone messages begging for votes, as did our Little Johhny.

I realise up front that once this story breaks I’ll will risk typecasting myself as one who finds toilet-humour funny, but hey that’s just about the size of it.

After my fascinating exposé on the National Government Toilet Map, (and yes before you ask I HAVE made it my homepage) please be upstanding for the one and only GALACTIKA LED toilet seat.

Imagine coming home late after some dodgey seafood and a flagon of Mudgee Special to see this baby waiting for you! Yes driving home the porcelain bus is going to take on a whole new meaning.

Coming in a range of gut-hurling colours, the GALACTIKA LED toilet seat is the Home Owner’s Accessory you’ve been waiting for.

No more stumbling around the house in a blackout, the battery operated GALACTIKA LED toilet seat will allow you to find where you are going to, as long as it is the crap house. In fact I’d be inclined to wire this sucker through to the mains.

Of course seeing the GALACTIKA LED toilet seat will be impossible once your fat backside is affixed firmly to it, therefore Captain Slog suggests you mirror up the throne room and run LEDs right around the ceiling.

Be the first on your street with a psychedelic shit House!

Once more it’s time to hand out this WWW award to the most deserving Blogger I’ve stumbled upon recently.

This week, our award goes to somebody that will be no doubt thrilled, because as she waxes so lyrically (i.e. goes on – and on – and on – and on …..) about how she DIDN’T win Employee of the Month!!!!!

As devastating as the news must have come to her (and it did) I’d try to console the poor lass with the news that I also didn’t win Employee of the Month. Not last month, or the month before that. I’m also fairly certain that I’m not on the shortlist for Employee of the Month next month either because, well we don’t HAVE an Employee of the Month Award. Hey I count myself lucky if my pass still gets me in on a day-to-day basis.

But enough from me, allow Aurora from some place called Spooner U.S.A. to tell you her tragic story for herself:-

I’m mad. I’m so mad that I will quit my job. Ok, I’m not that mad. But seriously, I didn’t get employee of the month. I’m bummed about it. We found out yesterday and I was very sad but no one really said anything because I worked at night. Well, today I came in at 12:30 and oh did I hear about it. I’m not the only one mad about it. There’s a process to getting employee of the month. You have to be nominated and then a committee sifts through the nominations and picks an employee through that. They hold your nominations for 3-4 months so I’ve still got a chance thank god. So this committee….I hear it’s a secret committee but I found out one person who is on it and it just so happens that it was his new wife that got employee of the month even though she hasn’t worked here for over a year. So I went to break with the “guys” and one of them said that he came up with this whole employee of the month thing and it stated that an employee had to be an employee for at least 2 years before they got recognized. He was so mad about it and I was like, well, I’ve worked here 5 years. He’s like, if you’ve worked here 5 years I’m voting for you. He was really mad at this guy and they are close co-workers. They were dueling in the lunch room. It was basically everyone against this guy and they are ticked that I didn’t get it. I’m not sure if they all agree that I should be employee of the month but they all voted for me and are rooting for me. I’m mad. But everyone cheered me up because they all said they would vote for me again if I didn’t get it. I’ve got the Director of Maintenance, Director of Infection Control, Director of Purchasing, Director of Anesthesia, Director of Pharmacy, Director of Radiology, 4 nurses on Acute, 2 lab techs, and 3 janitors all voting for me. Like, I have the top people in my corner and they are MAD! I’m happy about that. When I was doing my rounds later the director of radiology called out to me and was like, Aurora, your still our employee of the month. And he’s so serious and quite so he was very sincere about it! I want it so badly. This employee of the month had some pull and one nomination I’m sure and she’s not nice and she’s not good. So keep rooting for me, I’m hoping next month I’ll get it!



Aurora the Whiner, if you had the same enthusiasm at work as you do when you are complaining you’d stand a better shot. Instead please accept our Whinging Annoying Bitch of the Week!

Private bus drivers across NSW will refuse to collect fares today to rally public support in their bid for job security and better working conditions.

A.Bastard, spokesman for the Transport Worker’s Union explains that private bus drivers will allow passengers on their buses for free, in an effort to force the Government to do something or other.

When asked how refusing to collect fares will encourage the Government to negotiate, Mr Bastard replied “They expect us to collect the fares, that’s what they want. If we DON’T collect the fares then they’ll stand up and listen to us.”

When asked to elaborate Mr Bastard said, “they just will.”



Mr Bastard went on to assure passengers that the normal low levels of safety will not be affected. “Nothing will change except for the refusal to collect fares. Drivers will continue to look down on passengers with scorn and contempt, yell ‘MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE BUS’ as often as required, and close the door upon as many passengers as possible. Further, drivers will still fail to stop at random pickup points as in keeping with current practices, and drive erratically around the city.



I urge all drivers to continue to wear those shocking shorts that show the cracks of our arses when we bend over, to take frequent and unscheduled breaks, as well as to occasionally show the wrong destination on the front of the bus. Only by acting in this manner can we solve the uncertainties the drivers are facing.”

This Christmas, I urge any parent with a young family to consider this as an idea gift. Imagine their little elfin faces as they unwrap the prezzie, look bewilderedly at each other and exclaim “WTF?”

Yes since the advent of MP3s and the all-powerful all-conquering iPod (curse you A.K.) they don’t make listening pleasure this good any more. Better by far than the constant replaying of ‘Jet’ on the radio, ‘The Sex Instruction’ LP is a timeless recording the whole family will be jumping over each other to hear.

NARRATOR:Notice how the father introduces the name of God and the divine plan of reproduction early and this identification with God carries naturally through the discussion.

Yes as a matter of fact I did. Notice also how the talk quickly gets around to “you’ll go blind!” whenever little Johnny spends any longer than a minute in the bathroom.

And don’t think this is just for the guys. Johnny’s sister Betty is also in for some exciting news.

BETTY:That’s wonderful, mother. Does this happen every month? Even before a girl is married?



Yes Betty and while we’re on the subject remember that certain unmentionable products can never be bought with the regular shopping. God doesn’t want Betty’s husband (or even High School boyfriend) to be embarrassed with a “price check on isle 3!”

Among the wonderful things you can discover on this album are :-

How to attract a boy, how far should romance go in dating and why are timely questions answered. The philosophy and cause of premarital sex are explained with the secrets for avoiding it clearly presented.

These secrets pretty much run along the line of “Get thee to a nunnery!” and google draws a blank for the listing of any of those nearby.

For those of you that DON’T buy this album, you’ll just have to continue your lives pretty much they way they are going now. Or you can, like me, wait until the album comes out on CD

1. You had me at “Hello World.”
2. Mind if I run a sniffer to see if your ports are open?
3. You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
4. By looking at you I can tell you’re 36-25-36, which by the way are all perfect squares.
5. Jedi Mind Trick: “This is the geek you’re looking for.” *waves hand*
6. You can put a Trojan on my Hard Drive anytime.
7. Have you ever googled yourself?
8. How about we do a little peer-to-peer saliva swapping?
9. With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
10. What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this when there’s a Farscape marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
11. I’m attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
12. Tell me of this thing you humans call *dramatic pause* love.
13. If you turn me down now, I will become more drunk than you can possibly imagine.
14. Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
15. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a wretched hive of scum and villany like this?
16. You must be Windows 95 because you gots me so unstable.
17. My ‘up-time’ is better than BSD.
18. I can tell by your emoticons that you’re looking for some company.
19. Is that an iPod mini in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.
20. Want to see my Red Hat? If you won’t let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop

Firstup an apology to all the many World Wide Weirders (both of you) for the endless Blog Template switcheroos. The Blue template one worked alright for a while and then somehow got all stuffed up. Seems a newbiew HTMLer can’t add snippits and javascripts at random and expect the template to still float. It didn’t, it sunk. So I went through a couple until I settled for this one. Sorry!

This story tells of the Strike in a Californian Walnut Plant that should be coming to an end. Strikes don’t make news, hell even strikes in Walnut plants aren’t WWW news worthy. What sets this one aside is that it has been going for 13 years!

Now I don’t know about you, but after just about the second chorus of “Hell No We Won’t Go” I’m gone already. Anything longer than that is out of the question. Short of being cemented in place I can’t fathom why anyone would willingly try out for the Guinness World Placard Holding Record. After 13 years I’m thinking that patience and persistence have been redshifted all the way over to just pig headedness. Now I’m not saying that the Johnny Paychecks of the world can’t beat The Man, but after 13 years the man has retired and The Man Jr is running the show. Didyathink you’d just be walking right back in after 13 years hoping your locker key still fit? Man I hope you cleaned it out before the walkout!

As an afterword however, here is how the Teamsters Union have spun the news:-

Victory Comes 13 Years After Workers Went On Strike At Company

From the Japan Today

She told me, ‘I could not get a Gucci handbag and had to end up with a Japan-made one. I want to die.’

Psychiatrist Harufusa Higano, on the growing number of young people who consider suicide for “trivial reasons.”