Welcome to the World Wide Weird

To show that our friends in NZ aren’t as dumb as some of the jokes you may have heard, this sheepherder has developed what promises to be the world’s first Jet Powered Beer Cooler

The only question that remains is: Why would you waste this technology on Guiness?

You are forgiven for chuckling at the news that Ozzie Osbourne was robbed of over $2 Million in gems left lying around his bedroom. The intruder, briefly held by Osbourne, fled the scene from a first floor window.

Watching Ozzie walk to the microphones at the press conference I thought that going up against him wouldn’t be a difficult task. The only pharmaceuticals he hasn’t over-indulged in over the years are the ones that haven’t been invented yet.

The jewels were apparently on Sharon Osbourne’s bedside table and aren’t covered by insurance because they weren’t locked in a safe.

As soon as I heard this I raced home to lock up MY $2 Million jewelry collection that I ALSO leave lying around someplace. Wouldn’t want the same thing to happen to me.

If I were the investigating police, I’d tell Ozzie I was bringing some sniffer dogs into his home to search for clues. The look on his face would be priceless.

Then again the poor dogs would go ape (if you’ll pardon the pun).

It surprises nobody that the suspected Melbourne terrorist Jack Thomas was denied bail this afternoon. The charges are serious though a little vague, they include receiving financial support from al-Qaeda, providing al-Qaeda with resources or support to help them carry out a terrorist act and having a false passport.

While no sympathiser of the civil libertarians I’d hope that if the police were going to charge one with something, then at the very least let it be something against the law. That said, changing one’s name to ‘Jihad’ is probably not the smartest move a disgruntled Melbournian Muslim convert taxi-driver could make. Though the question must be asked, why do the “alleged” terrorists on our shores seem to be predominately taxi drivers?

Prosecutor Richard Maidment, SC, told the court Thomas trained at an al-Qaeda military camp in Afghanistan in mid-2001 for three months and while there “saw at close quarters Osama bin Laden”.

Being in Afghanistan then or now isn’t a crime, being in an al-Qaeda camp isn’t even indictable. Who cares, the story must go on.

The court was also told Thomas and his Indonesian wife were associates of Muslim cleric Abu Bakar Bashir and he had met Bashir in Malaysia in March 2000. Defense lawyer Robert Stary told the court Bashir and Thomas’ wife were childhood friends.

Friends, associates, what’s the difference eh?

Thomas made full admissions in an interview with the Australian Federal Police while he was being held by authorities in Pakistan last year.

Some reports reveal that these “full admissions” were in fact torture sessions carried out by the Pakistani authorities.

Melbourne Magistrates’ Court was told the former taxi driver and Muslim convert trained with the terrorist organisation al-Qaeda in Afghanistan before the September 11 attacks.

You don’t have to tell me that terorism is serious stuff. A single act can potentially cause the loss of a great many lives, so we hope our authorities are vigilant, but in this case for bail to be denied raises a few eyebrows.

If you’re a registered Neo Nazi charged with plotting to firebomb Chinese restaurants you’ll get bail. You can murder someone and still be granted bail. Hell even unlicensed teenagers charged with driving a stolen car that crashes killing a passenger are granted bail. In the case with the stolen car bail was granted because the alleged “had no prior criminal record.” Neither has ‘Jihad’ Jack but then he does have a menacing sounding nickname.

Also out on bail are a suspended detective charged with stealing drugs worth $1 million, alleged rapists, women who kill abusive husbands, a driver crashing at 161km causing death, two men charged over the assault of a father and his five-week-old baby, and who knows who else?

In the upcoming days leading to the trial I suppose we will hear more of Jihad Jack. Though eventually the word “alleged” will evaporate, just like the words “innocent until proven guilty”

After I’ve had some time to think about it, I am mighty annoyed I wasn’t on the VIP guest list for World Toilet Day. I think I had some interesting things to contribute to the festivities.

I had toilet jokes, poems as well as a funny list of names for urinating. Tell me you’re not enthralled already! Plus I could add an anthology of poems and quotations touching on the delicate subject of toilet paper as well as images of people’s private toilet paper collection.

I could also lead you to the Crap Machine, where you can create a piece of virtual excrement, although I haven’t worked up the courage to try this out for myself yet. I’m afraid at what I will find.

I can show you some amazing toilet paper origami, tell me these sunglasses ain’t the coolest! (not sure about the UV protection though)

Wait! There’s more, The Crapper’s Quarterly – is an EZine that features restroom reviews, stories, glossary of turds, and other crapping content. Of course I can regale you with the story of how I discovered Australia’s own National Public Toilet Database and then, if all that isn’t enough, I’ll happy demonstrate my virtuoso ability on the Bog-Bugle.

You might consider an empty toilet roll garbage, and throw it out without realising how a talented WorldWideWeirder such as myself is able to expertly play a variety of popular and classic tunes. If you have the time, I’ll belt out a couple of choruses of “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy”, “In the Mood” as well as “Khe Sahn”, “Hells Bells” and if you REALLY catch me on a good day, “Fanfare for the Common Man”. I know what you’re thinking, “Just how good IS this guy?”, well I can answer in a word – Bloody Good! Judging by the looks of stunned admiration from those that witness one of my impromptu performances, “…well I told you once you son of a bitch I’m the best that’s ever been!”

While I admit I may not be up to playing in the hallowed halls of the Sydney Opera House, I’m more than good enough for any of the Opera House Crappers. Of course I am only waiting for a Bog-Bugle position to open up with the Sydney Conservatorium of Music before I quit my day job.

New mother feeding pup on breast milk

A Hawke’s Bay woman says she is breastfeeding her staffordshire bull terrier pup because she wants the dog to protect her baby girl as the pair grow up.

Yesterday was National Toilet Day, though I must admit to being miffed that I wasn’t told earlier. Some may pooh-pooh the whole idea (sorry!) but really, after the stupid “Talk Like a Pirate Day” anything goes.

Now I realise I missed what must have been a lot of fun. The hitherto unknown World Toilet Organisation had activities galore, and are even planning an Expo for next year.

It seems there is quite a lot to know about toilets. The flush toilet is often attributed to Thomas (or “Sir John”) Crapper. The 19th-century plumber had his name embossed on English toilets (thus the crude slang for the commode). But the credit goes to the 16th century potty-mouthed poet Sir John Harington who installed the ceramic throne in Queen Elizabeth’s Richmond, Surrey, residence producing a royal flush. Attributing Link

Did you know that in Singapore you can be fined for not flushing? While at Matsushita’s research center in Tokyo, scientists explain how they are working on embedding technology in the porcelain that will catch a urine sample, shoot it full of lasers and in short order test it for glucose, kidney disease and eventually even cancer. One of the researchers, Tatsuro Kawamura, says future smart toilets will compile and compare medical results day by day, allowing doctors to spot important changes.

Japan take their toilets very serious, attested by one of several Japanese toilet Web sites which asks volunteers to visit and rate Tokyo’s public restrooms, a sort of twisted Zagat Survey. It invites photos of the most disgusting cases and posts them in the “Harsh Site of the Day” section. Another site, called Toilet Television, offers global comparisons and a quiz. Sample question: What percentage of the world uses toilet paper? Answer: 30%–alternatives include hands, water, sand, small rocks, mud, leaves and rope. In the old days, Japanese used seaweed, while Americans used corn husks, it adds helpfully. And people intrigued by toilet paper can chase down Hideo Nishioka, chairman of the Japan Toilet Assn. His personal toilet paper collection features 400 samples from more than 50 nations. One of his favorites: an Italian roll with a rendering of Botticelli’s famous painting “The Birth of Venus.” Attributing Link

While you and I may think nothing of spending a penny or two, staff in Call Centers aren’t so lucky. This from the local news media reports:-

Lid kept on call of nature

By JOE HILDEBRAND Work and Family Reporter

November 20, 2004

WORKERS in a Sydney call centre say they have been forced to collect loudly-coloured “pee-poles” from their boss’s office every time they go to the toilet – and when they protested, they were banned from toilet breaks altogether.

Yes, the staff at the P&O Cruises call centre found a simple act of going to the toilet was made unduly difficult., though a creative mind like my own would see the opportunity of black-market pee-poles sold to the highest bidder.

The workers told The Daily Telegraph they had to collect one of three “pee-poles” in front of a manager’s office every time they went to the lavatory, in an apparent bid to monitor toilet breaks.

Farting in their general direction wasn’t enough?

P&O spokesman John Richardson said workers had to take a pole and leave it on their desk if they took a paid tea break, to let colleagues know they were on a break. Only three workers could have tea breaks at a time – in the past month it was slashed to two due to staff shortages. He said there were no restrictions on toilet breaks.

The Occupational Health and Safety Act reports that NOT being able to go to the toilet could be seen as a risk to an employee’s health. Not to mention the health of everybody elses within smelling distance, especially if he with the crossed-legs has just had a nasty vindaloo at lunch. These sort of draconian restrictions are silly in the extreme. I mean if John Lennon and Paul McCartney wrote many of The Beatles’ classic hits while on the bog I don’t see why you and I should be timed.

A Google search reveals the problem is much more widespread than I first thought. A U.K. call centre reports staff have been told the person who spent the most time in the toilet would be forced to wear a nappy, (nice touch!) while others have had to raise their hand up to go to the toilet. Reminds one of being back at school. The only difference being back then I was treated with a little dignity. Having to put a brightly coloured sign on one’s desk reporting to all that “Captain Slog is having a crap and is expected back (hopefully) before lunch” is not what we want to see.

One solution to long toilet breaks…

If your interest extends even further you can, like me, read up on a case study on this very important subject.

Apparently not. You’ll note my proud EVIL rating courtesy of the Germatriculator that has adorned the World Wide Weird for the last couple of weeks. I was of course disappointed that my EVIL rating was a pathetically low 41% at the time of posting, but this has dipped to 33%. I am shocked and thought I was much more EVIL than this. In fact, to show you just how EVIL I can be, sometimes neighbours and shopkeepers will say to me “Have a nice day”, but I EVILLY decide to have a bad day instead. How EVIL is that?

I read the statistics on how the EVIL rating is calculated, but realised that since this blog is chiefly (almost entirely) bits and pieces taken from others on the WWW, that my low EVIL rating is YOUR fault, not mine! I’ve decided I’m plenty EVIL enough, and the rest of you are dragging me down. I hereby urge all fellow Netizens to lift their game and get more EVIL. C’mon guys, you know you want to.

So now I’m wondering how EVIL everybody else is. The Germatriculator will analyse a URL or text, so I decided to have it do an EVIL check on the Wikipedia entry of several well known figures.

Starting with Stalin (where else?), I get a EVIL score of 49%. Sounds low but let’s check it against say Genghis Khan – 43%. Maybe my 41% isn’t so bad at all.

George W Bush, he has to be EVIL doesn’t he? Shit yeah! 87% EVIL!!! Michael Moore was definitely on to something. In fact the outgoing Secretary of State Colin (I wish they could say his name properly) Powell was also 87% EVIL so maybe this is why he’s gone. Dubbya didn’t want the EVIL competition. Condoleeza Rice (who is already being called Bush’s Bitch – nasty nasty) is only 84% so there is still plenty of EVIL in this administration.

Turning our view over to the U.K., Tony Blair only gets to 6%, so it is clear why he hangs around Dubbya, he is trying to get some U.S. EVIL to rub off. Queen Lizzie 1+1 rates a surprising 38% EVIL and the heir to the throne, His Royal Pillock rates a crap-poor 21%. Now I am shocked. I mean camel-face herself Parker Bowles is even ahead of that at 23%.

Locally, there is only one person I thought was worth checking, John Safran, star of the wonderful John Safran vs God. He rates at 5%. I kid you not, 5 how-good-are-we-Aussies percent.

How EVIL are you? Well you have to check it for yourself.

May your Birthday wishes come true, or may you find enough room to hide the bodies of those that pick today of all days to annoy you!

Happy Birthday Beautiful, you’re STILL my little Princess!