Welcome to the World Wide Weird

I was reminded of the childhood pastime recently, Sissors-Paper-Rock, and it was correctly suggested that the idea of paper beating rock is a joke. Think about it! Get a whopping big piece of paper, make it cardboard even, and wack away at a rock and you soon see you are wasting your time.

The only thing that beats rock is, well a bigger, harder rock. The problem here is that the if you play the game as it should be then it soon generates into everybody smacking away at each other with varying size rocks.

So it came somewhat as a surprise for me to find that you can buy a book caled The Official Rock Paper Sissors Strategy Guide and I’m left wondering what the point is.

The Australian Day Honour list hit the internet and as expected, there were no surprises. Although the Australian of the Year Award, Dr Fiona Wood, was an excellent choice, to get a mention in the honour list you have to be an ex-member of parliment or a baton twirler.

The list, (go here) makes interesting reading, because it lists the recepient’s address as bold as you please. I guess the thinking is that if someone on the list doesn’t measure up to your personal yard-stick, then you can go knock on their front door and tell them so. Unfortunately phone numbers aren’t listed (maybe next year) because I’d really like to call some of the following people and tell them CapSlog is not impressed.

Top of my list would be Ex MPs Tim Fischer and Jeff Kennet who already have an over-generous Parlimentary Superannuation payout, they DON’T need any undeserved honours.

Neither does The Honourable Justice Bryan Alan BEAUMONT for service to the judiciary, to the administration of the court, to improving legal education facilities and judicial infrastructure in the Pacific region, and to the community. Okay he’s a judge he bought some new chairs and goes on holidays around the pacific. Gong-worthy? Not!

Mrs Margaret Sneddon BICKLE

For service to the pharmaceutical profession as an advocate and mentor for women in the profession, and to the community. She’s a chemist, that’s her job and for this she gets an AO?

Mr Lynton Keith CROSBY

For service to politics as Federal Director of the Liberal Party of Australia. Can you say gifts for the boys?

Professor John David POLLARD

For service to medicine in the field of neurology, particularly the study of peripheral nerve disease and multiple sclerosis. A Doctor, probably a very well paid Doctor gets a gong for doing his job.

Dr John Melville HOLDER

For service to veterinary science and to the pig industry through research and the establishment of large-scale intensive piggeries, and as a contributor to industry and professional organisations. Good thing too, a life-time of putting one’s arm up animals bums has to be worth something.

Mrs Judith Esther LEESON

For service to the community, particularly through support for people seeking opportunity for life long learning and career development. I’m guessing she works in the dole office?

Professor Leslie Ronald MARCHANT, deceased

(Appointment wef 8 May 2003)

For service to academia through research and scholarship in the fields of Chinese, Australian, and Aboriginal history and culture. Crap! Even dead’ns are getting them!

Mr Garry Barr NEHL

For service to the Australian Parliament and to the community through a range of organisations. Such as? What kind of a description is this. Mr Garry Barr NEHL may be as shifty as they come and he’s getting a gong.

Mr Mark Edward WAUGH

For service to cricket as a player and to the community. C’mon this is madness. Mark Waugh was an ok cricketer and that alone gets him an award?

and lastly

Mr Liam Andrew DE YOUNG

For service to sport as a Gold Medallist at the Athens 2004 Olympic Games. Every gold medallist in the 2004 Olympic or Paralympics gets an award, and that is fine with me. If you got Silver or Bronze you get crap all. How Australian is that? We love winners and won’t tolerate losers.

The following has been going around usually in email form for quite some time. I was reminded of it by inspipid.com and seeing it is a slow weird day decided to throw it up here for comment.

Dear President Bush: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said, “in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman.” I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination… End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this law applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) Mr. Bush, I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

You can visit your pharmacy, or….

The Washington Post has just released a list of winners in its annual contest to provide wrong meanings for well-known words; salutes to the all-singing iPODman for bringing this to my attention.

The following were some of this year’s winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your negligee.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

As you can expect, I’ve saved what I think is the best for last:

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Most everyone has heard the true story of the Los Angeles man, Patrick Lawler, who complained of a toothache and found the cause was a 10cm nail in his head. If I hadn’t seen the X-Rays I wouldn’t have believed it (thanks for the link Sis – I mean Madame X – I had seen this but thanks anyway)

Lawler, a construction worker, had a nail gun that backfired shooting a nail through his mouth and into his brain. A toothache? All he complained of is a toothache and he didn’t even NOTICE he had a nail in his brain?

“The doctors said, ‘If you’re going to have a nail in the brain, that’s the way you want it to be’,” she said. “He’s the luckiest guy, ever.”

Well the story makes news for a second consecutive day because now Lawler has been given a hospital bill of over U.S.$100,000.

A little searching on the Net would indicate this sort of thing happens all the time.

THIS is what happened when another builder, again in L.A. decided it would be fun to go one-on-one with, you guessed it, a nail gun (FINAL SCORE nail gun 6 – man 0). Is it something in the water, or do ALL builders in L.A. have the I.Q. of a dust bunny?

Now today I see that a Saudi Arabian team has removed a toothbrush from the stomach of a man who had swallowed it 22 years ago. How on earth do you SWALLOW a toothbrush and not know?

For the love of God what is going on? PEOPLE!!!!! Pay attention to what you are putting in your bodies before someone gets hurt.

I can hardly believe what I read. According to the news article entitled: Woman Sentenced for Extorting Dion’s Hubby it seems a woman by the name of Yun Kyeong Kwon Sung (say that fast three times, I double-dog dare ya!) accused the husband of Celine Dion of “fondling her in a hotel room” and HE GAVE HER $2 MILLION AND AN APOLOGY even though it never happened.

What is this madness? Someone falsely accuses someone else of sexual misconduct and gets paid $2,000,000? It seems Mr Dion, Rene Angelil, hoped to make the whole thing go away “out of concern for his and his wife’s health and public images.”

The whole story makes an interesting if not grubby read. Had not Ms Sung demanded even more money, $13.5 Million (the story reports these further demands are recorded on tape) we would have heard no more of it. As it turns out she is headed for the big-house.

Now if this was me making the claims, I’d be saying I had been felt up by the following persons:-

Megan Gayle, the female members of ‘The Coors’, Julia Roberts, Natalie Portman, Britney Spears (back when she was thin), any good looking chicks in ‘The O.C.’ (I don’t watch The O.C. but if anyone does, and if there are any good looking chicks in it – they’d be the ones), that girl who was in ‘Pirates of the Carribean’, and the finalists of the 2005 Miss Teen U.S.A.

I’ll be in contact with my lawyers in the morning; but if any of the people on the above list want to contact me privately to work something out they know where to contact me.

Reuters is reporting plans by the software house Electronic Arts to make an “interactive TV show” that would let viewers control the actions of the characters as in its popular game “The Sims.”

“One idea could be that you’re controlling a family, telling them when to go to the kitchen and when to go to the bedroom, and with this mechanism you have gamers all over the world ‘playing the show’,” said Jan Bolz, vice president of marketing and sales for EA Europe.

WTF? Here is an idea, if you want to play the Sims then jump on your PC, PS2, Xbox whatever and go for your life. If you want to play it online with millions of others you can do that already, but DON’T (I repeat, DON’T) bring it to TV!!!! What is the point? We have enough rubbish on television already without creating a whole new genre of mindless, useless game-TV. We don’t need it and we don’t want it.

Why stop with The Sims? Why not go with the classics? For instance, the T.V. version of…. PONG

Audience Left: Up a bit. No a bit more. That’s it!

Audience Right: Backspin! Put backspin on it!

Audience Left: Down down down down. Faster!!!!!! Doh!

On other DUMB news, I hear that NASA has made an amazing discovery over the weekend. If you missed it here it comes. Ready? It is really awesome! Okay? Well, the news is (drumroll) the surface of Titan is ORANGE!



Yep, that’s it. Billions of dollars to send a probe to Saturn’s largest moon just so science can reveal once and for all that the surface of Titan is orange? This news only makes sense if it is announced at the following press conference:

NASA Sun 16th Jan 2005

NASA has revealed that the surface of Saturn’s largest moon, Titan, is orange. Scientific circles have recently been agog with speculation that the colour could range anywhere from a deep magenta through to shades of ochre or tan. Russian scientists even speculated that the surface could be grainy black and white as depicted in the latest photographs taken by the Cassini probe.

Announcing the news, A.Boffin of the U.S. Jet Propulsion Laboratory said he was pleased with the news and that “orange makes much more sense than shades of blue. Now that this discovery has been made, we are ready for the final planning stage for manned missions to Titan. We know that if we design space suits that are yellow or red, they will look marvelous; and that black, or silver suits would look all wrong.”



Mr Boffin went on to say “Silver is just so yesterday. It was okay for the Jupiter 2 crew on Lost in Space, but would look out of place on Titan.”



There are some however who feel that a deep white or even a plaid pattern would better suit manned missions, yet Mr Boffin disagrees;

“No, white doesn’t work nearly as well as say a ruby red or a light yellow.”

When asked for more technical details of a manned mission to Titan, Mr Boffin replied “Who cares? All that stuff is boring anyway. We are much more interested with colours. I mean if the astronauts run out of fuel or air or something they’ll die. What is really important is how fashionable they look alive or dead.”