Welcome to the World Wide Weird

Thank you Mildred, you’ve done it again! Mildred asks for the following for her birthday, which is odd because her birthday has past, that and the fact that I probably owe her for birthday presents since she was five (coming up on a hundred years now).

Anyway, Mildred asks for a book, THIS book (link)
Daddy, Why Did Jesus Kill Grandma?
(Teaching Youngsters About Hell) by Pastor Deacon Fred Smith

Summary: God’s violent anger is directed toward those who dare to question His perfect love for them. Grandma Jenkins is no exception. One little slip of the tongue on her deathbed secured an eternity of separation from God. Marooned alone in the lake of fire, her only company is a visiting red-finned water demon who sodomizes her from the deep as fire waves crash into her screaming head and burst her wrinkled body into flames.

Remember dear Grandma, who baked so well? Soon she will be baking – This time in Hell!Dear Daddy, why Grandma? What did she do? Don’t question it child, or God will GET YOU!

So Cap Slog asks, is it a good book? Well the reviewers think so:-

Mrs. Betty Bowers – Daddy, Why Did Jesus Kill Grandma?When small children inquire about the whereabouts of a deceased friend or relative, some timid, deceitful parents will respond with the outrageous lie that “they are in Heaven with the angels,” knowing full-well that the loved one’s decaying corpse is languishing in the dirt until Judgment Day. Some Counterfeit-Christians actually embrace the despicable falsehood that the dead are already gallivanting about in God’s Glory – as if the Lord provides “free samples” of Heaven, allowing sinners to “test drive” their reward. Such a ludicrous notion, of course, would render the glorious Day of Judgment a superfluous charade. As all True Christians™ know, it is the Lord’s plan that those He has decided to kill off shall commune with worms and rodents in graves until, in 99% of the cases, He dispatches them to Hell to be tortured-by-proxy for eternity. This may not be a pleasant thing to tell children barely old enough to dress themselves, but it is not a parent’s business to succumb to lies simply to cover for the Lord’s wildly misanthropic predilections. That is why “Daddy, Why Did Jesus Kill Grandma” is the only book we use at Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers’ “Teaching Toddlers About God’s Relentlessly Vicious Wrath” workshops. It is a book guaranteed to both entertain and frighten children of all ages. I Have Ordered 1,000 Copies!

Sister Taffyfrom Leviticus Landing, Iowa – For me, this book is an absolute blessing. I can’t tell you how many times some sticky-fingered child will come up to me before or after service and ask, “Sister Taffy, my Granmda died –where is she? Why did God have to take her? Why did Granny die?….” It never fails that I am right in the middle of rebuking a lesser Christian or discussing something of great importance. So, after reviewing this book, I’ve ordered an entire case. They fit right in my purse and can be handed right to the inquiring child without even interrupting my train of thought. This past Sunday, one of the Greene children came up to tell me all about how his Grandmama had passed. I was talking to Sara Levins about how Lorraine Mimmicks’ dress made her look like a New Jersey slut and just shoved the little book at that awful Green girl. Well, not 15 minutes later, I walked right by a pew, and there was the girl sobbing hysterically. I knew then that this book was filled with the word of God and that her questions were answered. Everyone needs at least ten copies on hand.

Mrs Judy O’Christian from Freehold, Iowa – “If there was ever any book a child needs to read and memorize–other than the KJV-1611 Holy Bible–this is that book! Today’s liberal-minded “PC” parents have failed their children by telling them that their departed loved ones are “surely in Heaven,” when we True Christians know that is NOT the case! God sends all sinners to Hell, and it’s time folks learned the truth–that they’d best get right with God NOW and stay right, because they could get run over by a bus any minute

And if you want to see the rest of the reading material in this range:-

Top Sellers in Baptist/God Related Books:

Hitler’s Table Talk by Dan Carver
How to Hunt, Stalk, and Kill Demons by Mitch Walker
Is Dancing A Sin? by Sister Taffy Crockett

God Fearing Fundamentalist Baptist Customers who bought this book also bought:

Donkeys Can Talk, People Can Fly, and A Man Named Jesus Lives Up In The Sky by Pastor Deacon Fred.
Your Daddy Don’t Live Here No More; He Is Shacking Upi with Satan by Gloria Steinhunt.
Spotting Catholic Priests With Candy: Survival Guide For Nubile Baptsit Boys by former Catholic Priest – Rev. O’Malley
Bertha Has Two Gods: How To Talk With Your Child About The Hellbound Heathen by Sister Judy O’Christian
Jesus Is Probably Going To Kill You by Rev. Harry Hardwick

Christ-Related Auctions, Jesus Shop sellers and our other Christian stores recommend:

Women Probably Don’t Have Souls, Edited by Pastor Deacon Fred and Brother Harry Hardwick, Editorial ReviewsSynopsis As you flip through the pages of this book, you’ll see Grandma Jenkins on her deathbed. Her Christian family is gathered around her, praying and reading the Bible. Grandma opens her mouth and breathes the words, “I’m not sure if God is real.” On the next page, Grandma finds out just how real God is when He clap-smashes her head with His gigantic hands, bursting it like a ripe tomato all over the family and hospital walls. The book also comes with a red crayon and children can use it to color the hospital walls with Grandma’s blood, and later to color places where grandma keeps bursting into flames in the lake of fire.
Rev. Pastor Deacon Fred, Landover Baptist Church- , May 11, 2001Author’s Review: Daddy, Why Did Jesus Kill Grandma”I love this book. I’m not just saying that because I wrote it. I am saying that because Jesus helped me write it. Christian people are excited about this book, and they ought to be. The false doctrine, ‘God doesn’t send you to Hell, you send yourself there,’ is thrown out the window with this publication. Jesus tells us that his daddy sends us to Hell. You can’t throw yourself into the lake of fire, only God can do that. And the Bible also teaches us that God kills people. Kids need to learn to fear God at an early age, and what better way of instilling that fear into them than by using a 25-page coloring book about an unsaved family member being tortured in Hell?”

Customers who bought titles by Pastor Deacon Fred Smith also bought titles by these authors:
Adolf Hitler
Dr. Rev. Jerry Falwell
President George Bush
Rev. Fred Phelps
Jorgé Luis Borges

Well Mildred, all I can say is that as soon as Reader’s Digest (or Oprah) add this to their book clubs, a (second hand) copy will be on its way to directly to you.

Cheerleaders Disciplined for Feces Pizza
16, 8:18 PM (ET)

KELLER, Texas (AP) – Four Keller High School cheerleaders were sent home early from camp after allegedly putting human feces on a pizza and trying to frame rival cheerleaders for the deed.

Cheerleaders from rival Fossil Ridge High School had sent the pizza to the Keller squad on the last night of a four-day camp at the University of Texas at Arlington. Less than an hour later, some Keller cheerleaders took the pizza to the Fossil Ridge sponsor, claiming that Fossil Ridge cheerleaders had doctored the pizza with feces.

After questioning, four Keller cheerleaders were sent home, cheerleaders and parents told the Fort Worth Star-Telegram for a story in Thursday’s editions.

Federal laws bar officials from discussing the girls’ discipline, but such an incident would be considered “serious misconduct,” district spokesman Jason Meyer told the newspaper. He said punishment could include sending the girls to the district’s disciplinary alternative high school and removing them from the team.

Good Idea – Wall Mounted Restroom Beverage Holder

Dumb Idea – Fake Spray On Mud

I received an email recently from Mildred, outlining the hilarious goings on in Charlottesville, U.S.A.

I was immediately skeptical (because I’m permanently skeptical) when I started reading. But now I know that the incidents outlined in the email didn’t happen. No way no how.

A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident involving his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine’s ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck.

The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine’s agitator went into gear. Strickson’s head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson’s face, blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson’s dog, then apparently came into the laundry room.

At about the same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in “a small explosion,” according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson around at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson’s head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.

Yes the hilarious antics of the unlocatable Randaloph Strickson sound like they came straight out of a Three Stooges Movie, in fact they may have; but none of this happened in the fragile world we call reality. How do I know? Because Snopes told me so.

Anytime I get an email of this sort I go to snopes.com to see if the story is real or just plain B.S., in this case the verdict is unanimous B.S. But don’t just take my word, go to http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/laundry.htm and see for yourself.

The problem with this story is that it doesn’t make sense. Who the hell jumps into a washing machine for crying out loud. And then, assuming someone is stupid enough to do so, how are they supposed to be able to hold their balance? C’mon Mildred, see for yourself. Stick one of your round-headed kids into your machine and turn it on. See if he can remain standing up.

I didn’t think so.

One of the problems associated with Information Overload is that we don’t have time to check the veracity of EVERYTHING we read. But that doesn’t mean we accept blindly everything we are told. If that was the case you’d be believing Never Land Ranch was Never Happened Land.

Speaking of which, Ninemsn post an article about Michael Jackson’s lawyer about today’s verdict. The title of the story is:-
Jacko won’t share bed with kids: lawyer

I’m thinking of sending in a related story entitled:-
He shouldn’t have been doing that in the first place: Cap Slog

Anti gypsy-music virus welcomed by victims

Zdnet reports during the week of a new PC virus that deleted files from their computers containing gypsy music.

BitDefender, just one of too many anti-virus vendors out there, quickly released a patch to stop this virus and was inundated with letters of complaint from customers who wanted the virus to spread.

The virus, dubbed Antiman.A, was discovered at the end of April and duped users into executing its payload by pretending to contain news about three Romanian journalists that had been kidnapped. When run, the virus searched the victim’s computer for files containing the names of Romanian gypsy music singers.

At the time, BitDefender’s chief technology officer Bogdan Dumitru said the virus writer was obviously a Romanian citizen that had “deep discontent” with gypsy music in Romania.

A Bitdefender spokesperson told ZDNet Australia that it released signature files to protect customers within hours of discovering the virus but instead of praise, the company started receiving e-mails from users that thought the virus was ’socially useful’ and should be allowed to thrive.

One customer, whose details have withheld, said: “I appreciate your rapid reaction when new viruses are released… Nevertheless, when socially useful viruses are released, I think you could wait at least one day… This is not a virus, this is a utilitarian tool“. The message concluded: “If you know the author of this virus, please give him my e-mail address; I’m ready to offer him food and drinks for at least 2 weeks”.

Another customer was also hoping detection signatures were delayed but he went on to wish for a variant that could attack legacy systems: “Couldn’t you guys wait two or three more days, until my whole neighbourhood was infected? Is there a version of this virus that can erase the cassettes played in cars that are stopped in traffic?”

I am in complete agreement and hope someone will develop an anti Ashlee Simpson virus that will not only scour and delete the so-called music of this shameless joke from hard disks all around the world, but also radio stations playlists. If I hear “La La” one more time….

But please, I need my “Flock of Seagulls”, and “Tears for Fears”, don’t mess with them.

In these days of post 9/11 (I wish they’d get it right and say 11/9) security in america is a tad, shall we say, tight. The U.S. authorities are even diverting planes from travelling in U.S. airspace if one of the passengers has a name that sounds like one on their do not come in list. So then I see this headline in the Tampa Bay News:-

Man with chain saw apparently covered with blood was let into US
BOSTON (AP)
US and Canadian officials are being pressed to explain how a man carrying a homemade sword, hatchet, knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood was allowed into the US.

The day after Gregory Despres was allowed through the US-Canadian border in Maine, his New Brunswick neighbor was found decapitated. The day after that, Despres was arrested in Massachusetts, wandering down a highway. He was in a sweat shirt with red and brown stains.

US officials say they took every step possible to stop his entry into the country April 25th, but the Canada native is a naturalized US citizen and was not wanted on any criminal charges at the time.

A Customs spokesman says “being bizarre is not a reason to keep somebody out of this country.” He’s now awaiting extradition to Canada.

Too true, in fact “being bizarre” is exactly the reason for keeping these sort of people WITHIN the U.S.A. Otherwise where would we go to for all our “Only in America” stories?

What do you do when your professional sports career is behind you? Thankfully this is a question that never troubled Cap Slog overly, seeing as I (sadly) suffer from the debilitating illness called unco.

Anyway, Shaquille O’Neil, the Pro Basketball player for the Miami Heat is the one who has to come up with an answer to that question. What does he do when he finally hangs up his boots?

Let’s see, he could always turn coach? Maybe later. Sports commentator? Perhaps Undercover cop? Unlikely!

It might be hard to disguise that 7-foot-1, 325-pound frame, but the Mimai Heat star with a fascination for law enforcement says he wants to be an undercover officer when he retires.

I’m wondering how successful he expects to be. I mean how many 7-foot 1 inch bald, black people with an athlete’s body and a face recognizable by every kid in the U.S. who is a basketball fan are there? Try zero.

The all-singing all-dancing Mildred tells me that diamonds have a magical ability, something along the same lines as beer-goggles (c’mon Guys, you know what I mean!)

She might be right. Thank you Mildred, you can get back to your singing and dancing now.