Welcome to the World Wide Weird

I read with interest plans to organise a celebrity U.S.O. style tour to entertain the troops in Iraq. I for one am in full agreement, it’s a great idea. The Forces Advisory Council on Entertainment (FACE) – what idiot thought this would be a winner? – are busying themselves trying to come up with a line-up of entertainers to take with them to what has to be the world’s most dangerous place. Well sit back and take it easy FACE, because good old Cap Slog has done all the hard work for you. THESE are the people you’ll be flying into Baghdad:-

1. George Bush. He is the reason this whole Iraq war got started again so it’s only fair he goes back to Baghdad with a big target on his chest. I also suggest we start printing his exact GPS location in newspapers, billboards and on the internet. I’m not saying something BAD might happen to him but we can dream right?
2. Michael Jackson. He wants to plan a “comeback” tour. I think a “go away and don’t comeback” tour is in the best interest of peace loving people of the world. It’s also the best way of keeping children safe.
3. Past and Present cast of Neighbours who try their hand at a singing career. Neighbours may well go down in history as the worse piece of Australian television ever and is now sent right around the world. This will be our way of saying “thanks for nothing you loser”.
4. Ashli Simpson. Do I have to give a reason? I hate her, with a passion that will become homicidal unless she suffers a painful, agonizing death. Soon! I hate her, hate her (so called) singing, and everything about her. Sending her on the flight to Iraq is the best way I know of getting her back for crapping on her own band when she stuffed up on SNL. You know her song “Pieces of me”? I’d like to see some.
5. David Hasselhoff. I hear he plans to release a rap album in the near future so adding him to this tour could turn out to be the best thing we could do for music lovers everywhere. He deserves to be put in harm’s way just for his crap Baywatch role. Add to that Knight Rider and everything else he has been involved in and you’ll agree it’s time to Toff the Hoff!
6. The Wallabies. All this talk about who they’d eat in the (hopefully likely) event of an airline disaster is rather moot at the moment. Let’s put them on the flight to Iraq and see who DOES get eaten first. Interesting idea eh?
7. Wesley Snipes. Sitting in seat 57, ironic don’t you agree?
8. Unsuccessful contestants of every Idol franchise around the world.
9. Successful contestants of every Idol franchise around the world. Hey I don’t discriminate, send the lot of them I say
10. Alvin and the Chipmunks. I know everybody else in the world thought they were cute, but I didn’t. I thought they were irritating. I haven’t seen them listed in the obituary notices for the last 30 years (worse luck) so they must still be kicking somewhere. Putting them on board this flight will fix that!
11. Whoever it was that thought reality television would be a good idea. I have news for them, IT AIN’T.
12. Dan Brown. I know what you’re thinking, “How is Dan Brown supposed to entertain the troops?” Who cares? Lets bundle him into the plane anyway and send him off. In case you haven’t got the idea yet it is our earnest hope that the plane doesn’t get to its destination (in one piece). And if it does, we’ll make sure it doesn’t leave. So by sending Dan Brown we won’t have to worry about any future pieces of rubbish books he may decide to steal write.

So what do you all think? There are plenty of seats still available, only I suggest you don’t sit near the Wallabies lest you want to lose an arm or something. If you can come up with some more names we’ll happily add them to the passenger list as well. Misery loves company I say.

Welcome back to the WorldWideWeird. Previous visitors and friends of the WWW will know that this space has traditionally been reserved for, well, weird stuff; succumbing as I do to the dictum, if it is weird – CapSlog will find it. This time I have something so weird it is off the planet:-

US firm to send internet diaries into space
July 20, 2005 – 1:10AM
link

Is there anybody out there? And if there is, what will alien lifeforms make of bloggers signed up to a new service to beam their online rantings into outer space?

“We are giving bloggers the opportunity to send a piece of their lives into space to potentially connect with extraterrestrials,” said Ted Murphy, president and CEO of the Florida-based firm MindComet.

Blogosphere meet atmosphere: The free service, BloginSpace.com, will beam web feeds of blogs – weblogs, or personal Internet diaries – into deep space via a powerful satellite broadcast.

“I’ve always believed that other intelligent life forms are out there, and now, for the first time, they will be able to peer into the life of average Homo sapiens,” Murphy said.

Human beings have been sending television and radio signals into space for decades, packed with images of war and anger. MindComet wants to offer any alien beings a new way of looking at Earth.

“This program gives us the opportunity to show our race in a different light,” Murphy said.

But bloggers beware: Extraterrestrials could have sensitive ears, and online perorations should be suitable for an alien family audience, devoid of risque or explicit content.

“We strongly urge our users to refrain from language or content designed to provoke our alien neighbours,” Murphy said.

Give me a break! I’ve heard of pointless waste of time before but nothing so asinine as this. Beaming blogs into out of space, why? In what format? What do we do if we get a signal back asking for an RSS feed? Is the intention to show to the cosmos at large that we are a highly intelligent species because I’m a’thinking this is the exact wrong approach.

What are the E.Ts to make of all the Right-Wing LOONS! on the planet? How will they take to the photoblogs of things they’ve never seen before? What will they think of THIS blog? And what is the deal about no bad language? Telling some species of slimy purple mould in M34 to go #@$@$% himself may just be their way of saying “Greetings friend”. I could tell him to shove his head up his arse but if he has neither head nor arse all he can do is shrug his little mouldy shoulders and go on his merry way.

Should Little Green Men actually exist, and should they receive the signals, what is the next step? Do we want them to register an Email address so we can spam them unmercilessly with emails about viagra and Re: Enlarge that penis NOW!? How do we know they don’t already have a couple of hundred penises each, or maybe just one but 34 meters long?

The last thing I need is more spam email along the following lines:-

Dear friend,
I am the zdaksdfahds xxsysa attached to the Dentair VII System. My lord VXXDWE EEWS recently was killed and has left funds of 9E12 ZZZYTRLS in his estate….

Mail can be a chore sometimes can’t it? You go to the mailbox to see what the postman has left (mostly bills). You have to weed out the junk and also redirect the mail that belongs to someone else.

How much easier it would be if you had one of these on your front lawn.

That way the postman can say, “This National Pornographic magazine doesn’t go to Mr Johnson. It belongs to Alvan Anal-Crack in number 42.”

Of course you would need a head like this for everyone in your family that receives mail (you’re gonna need a front yard the size of the Olympic Stadium Mildred), and you’d also need to update it for changes like glasses, moustache, backyard chainsaw accidents etc. Other than that what could go wrong.

p.s. Could be a real bummer for anyone on the witness protection scheme, and if your family has a predisposition to huge noses (that’s you again Mildred I believe) it’s gonna cost you plenty. But other than all that, what ELSE could go wrong.

This is odd, and from what I can gather it’s a rooly trooly story:-

Police: Teen hit for not sharing underwear
LOFS: Charges possible against boy’s parents BY KEN KOSKY KOSKYkkosky@nwitimes.com

LAKES OF THE FOUR SEASONS Parents teach their children that it’s nice to share.

So when a 17-year-old Lakes of the Four Seasons boy refused to share his underwear with his sister and her friends, he ended up being beaten by his parents, police said.

A 17-year-old girl who came to the boy’s aid was also beaten, police said.Porter County police said they have completed the investigation into the May 22 incident and have forwarded the information to prosecutors for review of possible charges.

Police said the incident occurred at a home on Sunnyslope Drive where the boy’s grandparents live. The boy told police he received a call from his sister who asked if her friends could wear his underwear because they jumped in the lake.

The boy told his sister he didn’t want anyone else wearing his underwear, and police said the boy went to his nearby home, removed all his underwear and took it to his grandparents’ home.

Police said the boy’s mother called a short time later and demanded he return home. He agreed to return once he finished eating. But police said his parents arrived a few minutes later, and the mother was enraged because the boy wouldn’t share his underwear and didn’t return home immediately.

Police said they were told the mother attempted to physically remove the boy, at which time the 17-year-old girl grabbed the boy so he couldn’t be taken away.

Police said the mother then slapped the girl, and the father hit the boy. The girl tried to call police, but was restrained by the father, police said.

Both parents left after the grandfather stepped in, police said.Police said the mother admitted striking the girl, but said her own hair was pulled first. The father admitted hitting the boy, but said it was because the boy used profanity, police said.

You’ll be pleased to hear Cap Slog is more than willing to share his reg grundies. My favourite pair even, even though I’ve had them on for the past 2 weeks. So if anyone out there needs to borrow them, all they have to do is ask.

There are more, go to the link to see the rest of the pictures

“There will be a 17 week wait for your fries, Next!”