Welcome to the World Wide Weird

Shazzarooy thinks my wardrobe needs some work. Perhaps she’s right, I don’t know. Anyway she thinks I could be cool enough to buy some leather pants; these leather pants.

I’m not convinced. But what is most notable about this eBay item isn’t the pants, but the description provided by the owner:-

You are bidding on a mistake.

We all make mistakes. We date the wrong people for too long. We chew gum with our mouths open. We say inappropriate things in front of grandma.

And we buy leather pants.

I can explain these pants and why they are in my possession. I bought them many, many years ago under the spell of a woman whom I believed to have taste. She suggested I try them on. I did. She said they looked good. I wanted to have a relationship of sorts with her. I’m stupid and prone to impulsive decisions. I bought the pants.

The relationship, probably for better, never materialized. The girl, whose name I can’t even recall, is a distant memory. I think she was short.

Ultimately the pants were placed in the closet where they have remained, unworn, for nearly a decade. I would like to emphasize that: Aside from trying these pants on, they have never, ever been worn. In public or private.

I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons:
I am not a member of Queen.
I do not like motorcycles.
I am not Rod Stewart.
I am not French.
I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car.

These were not cheap leather pants. They are Donna Karan leather pants. They’re for men. Brave men, I would think. Perhaps tattooed, pierced men. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say you either have to be very tough, very gay, or very famous to wear these pants and get away with it.

Again, they’re men’s pants, but they’d probably look great on the right lady. Ladies can get away with leather pants much more often than men can. It’s a sad fact that men who own leather pants will have to come to terms with.

They are size 34×34. I am no longer size 34×34, so even were I to suddenly decide I was a famous gay biker I would not be able to wear these pants. These pants are destined for someone else. For reasons unknown – perhaps to keep my options open, in case I wanted to become a pirate – I have shuffled these unworn pants from house to house, closet to closet. Alas, it is now time to part ways so that I may use the extra room for any rhinestone-studded jeans I may purchase in the future.

These pants are in excellent condition. They were never taken on pirate expeditions. They weren’t worn onstage. They didn’t straddle a Harley, or a guy named Harley. They just hung there, sad and ignored, for a few presidencies.

Someone, somewhere, will look great in these pants. I’m hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into buying them by a girl you’re trying to bed.

Please buy these leather pants.

STOPPRESS – someone did – $US102.50. I wonder if they’ll appear in my Christmas Stocking?

The really GREAT thing about having an award winning blog (yeah, I know that was eons ago, and not at all deserved, not while the likes of Chairman Tao still go unrewarded) that even if you are wearing a bag on your head, people still want to help you out.

Here is today’s suggestion from the all-dancing all-singing iPod Guy, I tell you this guy has more talent than the Olsen twins haven’t had hot dinners. Please save your applause, here it comes:-

Just started reading a new book titled “I hate myself and want to die” by Tom Reynolds. Described on the cover as “The 52 most depressing songs you’ve ever heard”. It was a gift but I am intrigued. Barely started and on page 7 I found something that might interest you. Here goes

“Probably the most notorious depressing song of the pre-World War II era is 1933’s ‘Gloomy Sunday’, also known as the ‘Hungarian Suicide Song’. As the story goes, ‘Gloomy Sunday’ is allegedly so depressing it’s driven people to commit suicide after just one listen. (Personally, I can think of any number of Ashlee Simpson songs that have that same effect, but for entirely different reasons.)”

Can’t help but agree with the Ashlee Simpson bit but know that you would have a problem with it. On another note, remember ‘Gloomy Sunday’ for the next time Triple M are asking for requests.

Thanks, salutes, and hat tips to iPod Guy. I must confess that Gloomy Sunday is not one I’ve heard of, let alone heard. As to Ashlee Simpson, after that train-wreck of a career low point on SNL, it is quite plain to anyone who asks (any everyone who doesn’t) that I’m not a fan. Of hers. I’m a fan of the death penalty for people like her but that is a whole different award winning blog entry (last time – promise!)

As to Triple M (Wikipedia entry for non Sydney Siders; 2MMM, Sydney radio program, known for playing kick arse rock, until Ashlee Simpson found it’s way into the ipod playlist that is their evening program. Memo: 2MMM Management – KNOCK IT OFF!!!!), they are likely to play anything. I’ve even heard that stupid Schnappi crap a few times.

So iPod Guy has me intrigued. I’ve never heard “Gloomy Sunday” and feel up to taking the test. Emotional-wise I’m fairly stable at the present (or as stable as someone with a bag on their head can ever be – the voices haven’t exactly stopped but they are talking among themselves and are leaving me alone) so I go straight to my P2P of choice (no I’m not telling you which one – it works so well it’s the best kept secret since Sony decided to install Windows-killing root kits to their CDs) and search. What could go wrong, right? I mean I have the day off and Mrs CapSlog is out so I have the house to myself. Worse case scenerio that will be one less place to set at the table for dinner. Of course it IS Pork Chop night so I’d like to be alive for that.

Back to “Gloomy Sunday”, I find it instantly on something called the Chill-Out Album, though I can’t help but think if it works as well as iPod Guy says, maybe that should have been the CheckOut Album. There’s a version by Marianne Faithful – now we are talking seriously depressed. There are also versions by Sarah McLaughlin, Sarah Brightman (starting to get really dark now), Diamanda Galas and Iva Bittova (never heard of em).

Hold on a minute, what’s this BJORK!!! Now we are talking. This is bound to be artery severing stuff. And better yet I know this is this real deal because Bjork even has the two stupid dots above her name. Five Meg later we are ready to roll:-

Okay, this is a live version, with full string ensemble. Starts off slow, with a couple of horns, a bit jazzy. Yet to hear the fingernail-on-blackboard scream that is Bjork’s vocal range. More horns, more than a minute in and still no Bjork. Here she is, starts about 1:27. Not especially depressing, other than for the fact that I’m spending my day off listening to this crap. I haven’t made a move for the rusty knife, yet.

Second verse, worse than the first! Starting to feel nauseous now. This really is abysmal; iPod Guy, you might want to be a little more choosy next time as to who you receive gifts from. And I should have more sense that to go looking for a suicidal song. Exactly which playlist you file this one under I hesitate to guess, but I have to admit now that this really is awful. And It’s a LIVE version, some group of people somewhere paid money to listen to this shit! I’m staring to turn the volume down. Feelings of self-loathing are increasing. Now I’m starting to feel like hurting myself. Better still, I’m trying to work out how I can take iPod Guy WITH ME. I am surprised to find have the knife in hand and at the ready. This is supposed to go for 5:33 but I doubt I’ll live that long.

Goodbye cruel world…

Friends, Romans, Citizens, lend me your ears. Or just your eyes will do. This is by far the weirdest thing I have ever seen. I scarcely believe it is true.

I just caught a story on the U.S. ABCs PrimeTime Current Affairs Show. This story (link) details the events when someone rang a McDonald’s store claiming to be a police officer. For anyone with two brain-cells to rub together this would be a 5 second call (“yeah, SURE you’re the police” – CLICK), but when you’ve dialed someone that is mentally taxed when asked to walk and chew gum at the same time; you have a whole different ballgame.

The trouble starts when Donna Summers, an Assistant Manager of a McDonald’s store in Mount Washington Ky, asks 18 year-old Louise Ogborn into the office. Summers is talking to someone on the telephone, and tells Ogborn that she is talking to a police officer. Summers informs her that someone claiming to be a police officer has called the store and accused someone of fitting Ogborn’s description of stealing from a customer. Okay, with me so far; staff member called into the office, Assistant Manager tells you a police officer has called accuses you of stealing. Easy to clear up you’d think but this story is just getting started.

It was Ogborn’s word against the accusation of a man claiming to be a cop, and she was given a choice: submit to a search or be escorted to the police station.

Ogborn was told to empty her pockets and surrender her car keys and cell phone, which she did. Then the caller demanded that Summers have Ogborn remove her clothes — even her underwear — leaving her with just a small, dirty apron to cover her naked body.

And she does. How do I know? Apart from watching the story, there was a surveillance camera in the cramped office and we can see everything that happens. On the link I gave you above you can watch the entire 5 minute episode of ABC’s PrimeTime, and you too can see the footage taken by the surveillance video.

So because someone rings up a McDonalds store CLAIMING to be a police officer, (here’s a thought, maybe he wasn’t really a cop!!!) we are in the position of watching a scared, 18 year-old girl, in the office with no clothes on and just a dirty apron covering her up.

Next step is Summers having to leave the office to do some work (hey that’s a change, up to now she’s done bugger all but swallow whatever crap is dealt out to her on the phone) so she asks 27 year-old employee Jason Bradly to keep watch on Ogborn. Well it seems Mr. Bradly has some semblance of intelligence and (unlike Summers) can think for himself (amazing he passed the aptitude test to get the job in the first place). He refuses to have anything to do with watching a distraught, naked girl in the office, and leaves.

What to do you ask? Well now the caller on the phone tells Summers to call her fiance (having determined she isn’t yet married but is engaged) to come to the store to watch the girl. SHE DOES and HE DOES!!!

15 minutes later Walter Nix arrives, and the story continues :-

Again, Summers says she didn’t question the caller and completely trusted her fiance to be left alone with the girl.

Ogborn says she wanted to run, but that it would have been too humiliating to run through the restaurant naked.

Nix, a 43-year-old exterminator, began following the caller’s commands, ordering Ogborn to drop her apron, bend over and stand on a chair.

Then — as ridiculous as it sounds — he told her to do jumping jacks to shake loose anything she might be hiding. Ogborn says that was just the beginning of two more hours of torment.

The demands became more and more bizarre. When Ogborn says that when she failed to address Nix as “sir,” the caller tells him to hit her violently on the buttocks over and over. At one point on the video, Ogborn was “spanked” for almost 10 full minutes.

Those are direct quotes people!!! Read it again for full effect. By now I’ve long past the stage of thinking how amazing it is that some idiot American can do the stupidest stuff “Because I was told to” and am now thinking of the torment the poor girl has been forced to undergo.

Ogborn says that after more than three hours (THREE FRIGGING HOURS!!!!) of dehumanizing treatment, Nix — again on the instructions of the caller — forced Ogborn to perform a sexual act.

The caller then told Nix to hand the phone back to Summers and instructed her to bring in someone else.

This time, she had Thomas Simms, a 58-year-old maintenance man who worked at the restaurant, get on the phone with the caller, but Simms refused to comply with the caller’s strange demands.

“Tom told me, ‘This man is asking for her to drop her apron so I can see her without the apron,’ ” she recalled. “And I said, ‘Do what?!’ ”

Summers frantically called her manager, Lisa Siddons, who the caller claimed had been on the other line all along. But when Siddons answered her phone, she said she’d been sleeping.

It was then that Summers realized, she’d been had.

Yep, that’s right. This is just a practical joke, albeit the most far-fetched one I’ve ever heard. And it isn’t even a one-off, this has happened before.

By early 2004, there had been more than 70 cases of hoax phone calls to fast food restaurants, dating as far back as 1994.

At a McDonald’s in Hinesville, Ga., a caller convinced a 55-year-old janitor to do a cavity search of a 19-year-old cashier, while in Fargo, N.D., a manager at a local Burger King strip-searched a 17-year-old female employee.

In Phoenix, a caller had a Taco Bell manager pick out a customer and then strip-search her

Somebody PLEASE reassure me and tell me supposedly sane people don’t just blindly do the craziest things because someone calls from a pay phone and tells them to. PLEASE!!!!!

Back to our story, when the REAL police arrive at the McDonald’s in question, they arrest the fiance as a first step and now the Assistant Manager Summers is being advised on everything she can and can’t say by her lawyer. I can’t help but think that when the lawyers are finished, poor little Louise Ogborn is going to OWN McDonalds.

The remainder of the story focuses on how the perpetrator was caught and I urge you all to read every word.

Words fail me. How could anyone be so cruel, or STUPID?

STOPPRESS:
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8S39U500
That’s 6.1 million big ones Ronald!!!!! you better start the grill cause that’s a shit load of cheese burgers.

It’s old news now, News Agencies digitally altering photographs they think the rest of us won’t notice. Okay so Demi Moore is 40 odd but has the butt of a teenager, sure, I’d buy that.

This time The World Net Daily reports that USA Today got caught altering a picture of U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. The funny thing is that nobody noticed. With all the trouble in the Whitehouse, Bush’s plummeting popularity, and Vice President Cheney’s troubling health problems (the problem being he’s still alive), altering a photo here or there shouldn’t worry anyone.

THIS is what Condi looks like on a normal day:-

THIS is the photo USA Today ran with.

Real subtle don’t you agree?

You know, after looking at the two photos again, it’s a wonder nobody ever noticed before. There is only one explanation; Condi’s a Gou’ald. It sort of explains a lot when you think about it.

This story from the NY Daily News, and it’s a beaut!

No ‘Chicken Little’ – Kids see suicide

A Times Square movie theater laid an egg at a showing of “Chicken Little” last night. Adults and kids expecting to watch Disney’s G-rated animated flick at the AMC Empire 25 theater on 42nd St. were instead presented with a foreign film that opened with a young man committing suicide.
What’s wrong with that? Come on, kids have it too easy these days, they have to experience the real world some time! Enough of this Pokemon crap.

“It’s pandemonium,” Joshua Gallo, 30, told the Daily News as he rushed out of the theater with his 5-year-old son and 1-year-old daughter. “The kids are crying. The mothers are screaming for the managers to stop the film.”

Terrified children didn’t know what to do as they watched a young boy hang himself from a tree at the 8:45 p.m. screening. After five minutes, “Andrea,” a Spanish drama opening today, was turned off and “Chicken Little” was played.
Bugger! Why spoil the fun, maybe they could have run a 5 minute snuff feature first.

Patrons got a coupon for a free movie.
Good call, “Saw 2″ opens next week, I’m sure the little kiddies would enjoy it immensely. Either that or the new animated version of American Psycho!