Welcome to the World Wide Weird

It was a good thing I was sitting down when I read the following AMAZING news. I occasionally scan the latest News Ltd headlines and all I can say is that there will be riots in the streets later today when this becomes public knowledge.

No, I’m not talking about the man stabbed to death in his house. Nor am I talking about the missing teenager, the Police commissioner who has threaten to quit, the train stabbing, the 16 people arrested in a drug operation or the crocodile that was captured in suburban Sydney. All of that stuff happens every day so who really cares.

No, what I’m really talking about is the fact that :-

AUSTRALIANS SHOULD EAT MORE FRUIT!!!! Shock horror! I bet even Warnie stops sending text messages when he hears THAT news.

We cross to Parliament House where the Prime Minister is giving a Press Conference.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. It – - it – - is my sad, my solemn duty to report – uh – that I mean the figures out today indicate that we just er aren’t eating enough fruit.

Cabinet has today authorised a 26 point plan that will see Amanda Vanstone knocking on each and every Australian door and shoving an apple or an orange down your throat.

We will also be sending a fridge magnet to every household outlining the importance of having a ripe banana on hand at all times.

To put this INCREDIBLE news into context, an 8 story building collapsed in Turkey last night and 127 people have been shot dead in Iraq in the last 48 hours. But what is the one story we’ll all be talking about? Sad days indeed!

Zarqawi receives 4th death sentence
A Jordanian court has sentenced Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and eight other Al Qaeda militants to death for a plot to launch chemical attacks against government and US targets in the kingdom.

It is the fourth such death sentence handed out to Zarqawi in his native Jordan.

Just a week after the uproar over the Muslim Cartoons it seems that Valentine’s Day has now drawn the ire of hardline Muslims. Regular go-to-work Muslims (same for Christians, Hindus, Jews, stamp collectors and Klansmen) probably don’t give a toss. However those fun loving people within the Islamic Separatist Women’s Group tell us:-

Valentine’s Day is against our culture and Islamic teachings.
Of course it is, and I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that Valentine’s Day is just a cover for the Hallmark people to spread anti-Muslim propaganda around the world.

The group supports a 16-year-old separatist insurgency against New Delhi’s rule in Indian Kashmir, and is also engaged in “stamping out immorality” in the Muslim-majority region.
Supporters raided half a dozen shops, confiscating Valentine’s Day cards and making a bonfire of them. Andrab said the aim of Valentine’s Day is to “pave the way for Western culture to invade youths’ hearts and minds and distance them from their traditional culture and Islamic principles.

We want to save our youth from indecency and desire to see them as true followers of Islam. We won’t like them to follow Western culture.”

So if Valentine’s Day is now off the agenda, which other holidays should we think about avoiding?

New Year’s Day – Because it is based on the Judo Christian calendar.
Easter – Do you have to ask?
Anzac Day – Gallipoli is in Turkey.
Mother’s Day – See note re Queen.
Queen’s Birthday – Because she’s a woman.
Secretary’s Day – Because it treats women as second class citizens, when clearly they are no better than third class.
Father’s Day – This we allow.
Thanksgiving – You should be giving thanks to Allah every day infidel!
Melbourne Cup Day – A day for gambling, drinking and dressing up as women.
Christmas Day – Don’t go there!
Boxing Day – We’re still hating you for Christmas.

Last word, and in case you missed it those cartoons last week were published five months ago in Egypt. You don’t remember hearing anything about it at the time? That’s because nothing was said. No protest, no violence, no killing, no hate. So what WERE they protesting last week? That the cartoons were published? Or that they were published in a non-muslim country?

Phew! I’m glad we managed to sort that out.

I’ll let you call it the world series when an extraterrestrial throws out the first ball!

And this is it. Called Techblog it simply features the newest gadgets on the planet. Everybody remembers the quote about the roomful on monkeys typing away until they reproduce the collected works of Shakespeare. Well sadly it seems that task has been outsourced, because those monkeys have more important things to do. Instead of banging away on typewriters, they are creating some of the newest and oddest gadgets on the planet.

Now I strongly urge you to take the phone off the hook and shutdown your email application before you go trawling through Techblog yourself, because there are at the time of this entry, 45 pages of, well stuff that is either way cool, or distrurbingly odd. Anyone who decides to go through the list themselves is in for a very interesting time of it; my sides hurt from laughing so much. There are enough things here to keep you laughing for weeks. See what I mean:-

Everybody needs a thumbdrive, right?

Now this is RSS reader that connects to a roll of toilet roll via a wireless setup. The point being, if you configure everything properly, you’ll be able to read as they happen news headlines while you’re on the bog!

Described as a personal frisker, this item is really little more than a conveniently sized metal detector. Now you’ll be able to see if Grandma is packing heat as you greet her at the door for sunday lunch.

A pizza box laptop case features a real pizza box. All it takes is one cardboard pizza box, some foam, and your wallet $22 US lighter and you can impress everyone in the hood.

A bed with an inbuilt iPod docking station! What did you think it was?

A fully working telephone, handbag combo that will impress your friends, or frighten them off for good!

The Japanese Nap-Cap allows the Tokyo commuter to sleep on their way to/from work. I love the ability to affix a sign telling fellow travellers/muggers what stop to wake you up for.

If you think using an iPod in bed is stupid, then you’ll jump for the iPod toilet roll dispenser. I tell you those people at Apple have a lot to answer for.

Combination Cellphone-stun gun. Who cares about bluetooth?

And if you don’t need to shock people, then you kill them laughing when they see your camera watch phone.

Now this one got me big time. It works like this. Thieves break into homes looking for valuables. Everybody knows the underwear drawer is the first place they look, but tell me who is going to go through the dirty underwear in your laundry hamper? The thing is, I’m not really sure what is for sale here. The last time I looked I could find something like these in my own laundry hamper, but I was laughing so hard I couldn’t see what it they were selling.

The one and only bath cap. You wack this sucker on your head in the shower, filling it with water and the next thing you know the top of your head is having a bath. Somebody please kill me now!!!

Yep – a USB powered ashtray.

Not a gadget, but a process. Fools who have too much time on their hands have managed to port Doom onto a digital camera.

The date napkin comes in handy if you’re in a singles bar and you want to catch the eye of some foxy looking chicky babe. Imagine how impressed she’ll be if you go to the trouble of telling her all about yourself with your 5 in 1 laser pointing pen!